flirtation distraction

I went to Birkenhead yesterday to do some shopping. I had a nice time, right up until a crushing wave of depression struck me.

Before we get to that…

Yesterday I was looking pretty cute. I had on my red and white checked-shirt and navy jeans – very 90’s. I had Toad The Wet Sprocket, Buckcherry, Joey John and Sublime on full volume! Life was wonderful.

With the intention of purchasing a book for my latest long-distant love interest I made my way like the steps ahead had been swept for me. Then got to the bookshop and they didn’t bloody have it!

I’d intended on so much and fallen so far short of it. So I got pissed off and went and bought a book I would have sent her in a few weeks anyway, but didn’t want to send first. Then I went off to HMV and found two books for myself.

Don’t you just hate the fact that HMV with a book section that comprises of exactly two racks has more to offer you than the entire stock at Waterstones!?!

Returning to the Waterstones after I’d calmed myself down, I continued looking for books. I asked the girl to look up Lord Byron – anything by him – and she asked who he was! MY GOD! Then she had the idea of flirting with me! ‘How dare she!’ I thought. So I was polite – I told her who he was. Bit my tongue when she asked if I ‘went to uni, or summit’. Just admitted that I had an interest in his letters and poetry.

So that was girl one!

Girl two was Cafe girl – there was a reoccurring theme of dyed red hair going on – she thought it strange that I ordered a black coffee and didn’t want milk with it. Another example of why I don’t enjoy this area – the women have the capacity for understanding removed at birth!

Sitting in that cafe – I wrote two poems – then depression overtook me and it was all I could do to hold back tears. After an hour just sitting there I wandered off outside and had no idea where I was off to. I just walked up and down the streets.

I went off and got the train home.

Don’t you love the girls in shampoo and perfume adverts – god even the laundry detergent women are looking hotter these days!

I felt awful that night – but kept writing my letters.

Filed under: Day-to-day, Girls, Happy, about me, hopes, music, prose, writing

jaded life

I’m quite a strange chap – maybe I shouldn’t admit that right off the bat. Having only been here for a short time though I have to imagine that no one is reading.

I have this thing where I need a certain level of attention. It is so bad that I’m on all these dating sites. I’m not after a relationship, just people to talk to. Sad isn’t it. I’m not going to begin to pretend that it would be really great to get someone to grab hold of – I’m quite a physical person. However, I know that isn’t any real element that influences my discussions with them. The general rotation is that a girl will email me, mention some small atom of my unique nature and then BAM! I’m struck, in a desperate loop of trying to maintain a contact so as not to be alone again. Two or three weeks of emailing back and forth and then the eventual meeting. I have this strange self-delusion going on where I think that they don’t like me, and that they are just being friendly.

I’m a horrible tease! They end up asking me straight if I like them and I always have the same look of horror on my face – shock even! Lol

Once or twice before now I’ve been too caught in the moment to say no. Which is awful! I know it is, but like I said – I’m a very physical person and we all make mistakes.

Just like this meeting with the girl I have not seen in 3 years (the girl ‘L’, who I have known since I was 6 years old). We were going for lunch, it was yesterday. We didn’t have lunch. We didn’t kiss or anything like that – but the girl damn near destroyed the place with her nervousness around me. Talking candidly, she tells me her entire life story and I just think ‘wow, this girl likes me’.

I’m just a walking head! In the egotistical sense. I have an inability to say no to emotional connections, because I fear the loss of them.

I love people too much. I’d love to have a friend though, just someone to talk to on a level and not have to worry about attraction.

Its nuts that I find that hard and relationships too easy to get into. Bit of a jaded life.

Filed under: Fritz, Girls, Happy, Love, Reality, about me, anxiety

a water-balloon meets a bee

So, knowing – as you do – that my girlfriend and I broke up on the 26th of last month. Well… where to from there?

I came home and took up the task of mending myself. I’ve something, which I suspect can best be described as manic depression, though i wont jump the gun too much until the fact is settled.

I was having a depressive episode about a week before my relationship collapsed. In fact, I think it was a major element that swung my ex-girlfriend’s mind in favor of separation.

20th of Jan and I’m flat-lining on one of the worst depressions in my most recent history and so I ask her to stay around for me (in the sense that she stick in the house to keep my spirits up) – she goes out, which is fine (i figure she’ll be back) – she’s gone for pretty much the entire week – under the banner of band rehearsals. Which I guess was just her way of saying ‘i’m not really feeling the whole caring thing right now!’.

I’m not saying that I’m that sick I need a carer, but I was pretty sick and I just needed someone to watch dumb movies with and eat junk to keep me high on sugar. The Great Distracto!

I’m a sad little muffin – such a pathetic creature – regardless I held it together like a water balloon meeting a bee for the first time.

I hit rock bottom and she had a talk with me – I figured there was no point fighting it (i was beyond the capacity to want to save myself or any part of my life) – so I let her go and GOD do I feel better for that.

I do. No word of a lie, its done me good. I’m certain that the feelings I had for her wasn’t real love – just a deep caring and I know that that will change shape shortly. It’ll go the way of so many past loves, there are stages that I wont go into detail about.

So a few calls later and I’m back in Liverpool (the Wirral to be exact, i have no scouse accent [in fact none at all]). I’m pretty even right now – level as a spirit, you could say. Or maybe not.

I still get these ups and downs that last maybe an hour tops – just little blips before I lose the thread of them and wander off to distract myself with something new and shiny.

For the most part the pills are working and I should be referred over to see someone more specialistic soon.

Until then, I’ve written quite a bit of stuff that I’m going to post up here. That line between genius and madness is pretty thin after all.

p.s. I ask ya, who wants normal anywho – I’m so much more fun nuts than i am on these bloody pills – *yawn!*

Filed under: Cup, Depression, Girls, Happy, Love, Reality, Sad, about me, anxiety, cracks, much, nightmare, solitary, work

me gustas tu

So you’re 22, 23 in 1 month, and you have gone back to square one.

You have just had an almighty breakdown, lost a girlfriend, a job and the place you used to live with your best friend – not to mention it all happened in the space of two weeks.

It happens on the 26th, you are picked up by your Father on the 30th.

You are taken home and have a god-awful week of sadness. Then the pills start to kick in and you feel better.

So you go to Liverpool to meet someone that you fully intend to befriend. Only it doesn’t quite work out that way and, while drunk, you make the mistake of kissing her. BAM! Sadness.

You are on the train home thinking… ‘shit, I’ve managed to do it again – complicate my existence beyond all recognition.’

You sleep and wake up to find that you dreamt you were an extra cast member in Eastenders – then you really wake up and last night hits you like a fist to the throat.

I’ve lost so much and gained a real simplicity to life… so why do I see fit to complicate things again? Its like I can’t deal with having a mundane existence. Like simplicity is beyond me. My subconscious needs something to focus on.

I just want friends. Not girlfriends.

p.s. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Filed under: Girls, Love, Reality, Sad, about me