Modern-Day Mercury

[If this isn’t self-indulgent I don’t know what is.]

So I’m volatile – liquid at room temperature – I’m meant to be a herald of commercial success. Perhaps I am, though not for myself.

I’m a muse – I can inspire writing in anyone and ideas a-plenty. I’ve always seen myself as a muse, but the mercurial thing – well, fits all too glove-like around the extent of my character.

Winged sandals and a penchant for bizarre and spontaneous trips. That’s me.

On the topic of me… [a topic I can’t truncate]

I’m this strange, flawed creature. I have a mercurial streak – but also a heart of gold (not yet robotic). I might not have a silver spoon – but my jaded mind leads to diamond clarity. Copper-wired veins ready to hook up to all and sundry, I can’t help but bleed ruby and blink sapphire. Soul as iridescent as opal.

I’m at least a tapestry of treasures.

I’m trying to be a better person, slowly. I’ll be better. See. Better.

Anyway… back to twitter…

Filed under: Re-Genesis, about me, ergonomic, hopes

condensed and retrenched

So Buddha (apparently) once said “There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth…not going all the way, and not starting.”

I’m quite impressed and have to agree. If nothing is more true of life, then it is that I am at least a victim of many mistakes in the search for truth.

From conception many events have transpired that have set me up for the most cosmic/comic falls imaginable.

Such is life (as I experience it).

“Life is tough!” As a kitten once told me.

So, yesterday and today I have been reading over all my old blog entries… they are heartbreaking/vulgar/shameless little displays of my own egotistical world view, but there we go – what can I hope to be, except me.

Having finished putting together all these posts in their respective linear progression, I have also finished a very round journey. I’m right back to where I started 5 years back. A little wiser, but only a little. I don’t think I’ve learnt near as much as I should have. Lets look at what I’ve learnt.

I’ve learnt how to break hearts. Including my own.

Learnt that I can’t be left alone for longer than a few hours.

That you can’t make an effective bookshelf out of books.

The end.

Well… I also learnt how to feed myself. That’s at least one positive step forward.

I’ve never been very good with the whole feelings thing. I bury the truth away, even from myself. So at one moment I’ll be weeping over the spilt milk of a shift of mood and then, about an hour later, I’ve shifted back into this uncaring creature.

A defense mechanism kicks in to make me something of a robot. This heart of mine, all oiled up and prime.

The pills help now, they make ‘not caring’ a little easier. Also it helps me because they make me not care that I don’t care. I’ve always thought in loops.

Bundled time is a new concept to me, but bundled thoughts have always been abound.

This process keeps me in a cycle of contentment that helps perpetually – but it will also be a heavy thing to reflect on.

I hide away the truth – that I’m not happy about how things have gone over the last 2 months. I’m not happy about the last 5 years. I’ve chosen my own path, but I can’t help thinking that I should be a little more honest with myself and stop spinning cogs.

Ok, I’ll be honest – I don’t totally become numb – I just don’t think about things, bury it, a sky of weighted feeling to push down land and ocean of self-loathing.

That’s life.

It’s not that I understand why I feel bad at night, nor even why I seem to have the worst dreams imaginable. It’s not that I understand myself at all.

Condensed I guess I’d describe myself as two people – the together, social, contented me; and then the fetal, weeping, tormented me.

Thankfully the pills help me to be the together me more often.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this anymore – this was meant to be a well-rounded description of me. Almost meant to be a little apology to the world, maybe. But I seem to have hidden the truth from myself again.

Filed under: Cup, Depression, Existence, Friends, Lonely, Reality, Sad, about me, anxiety, hopes, solitary

plan B

Ok

So much more has happened since plan A was implemented.

I’ve met a little group of writers for www.scriptfrenzy.org (which I’ve somehow managed to commit myself to)

They are, each one, wonderful – and I’m not just saying that because they’ll be on their way here – but also because they deserve that label.

I had a wicked night out (this was Sat)

Today I’ve been putting all my old blog posts from the past few months into here – a lot is not in here for various reasons (too personal/angst-ridden) – but I intend on being very open from now on.

So you can all deal with it!

Regardless – I’ve written oodles of things and adore the activity

Also taken loads of photomographs of things…

http://www.flickr.com/people/26908232@N06/

right now listening to John Mayer and playing air guitar like a loon!

so things weighed back in Liverpool’s favor!!

Filed under: Today

give heed to the head trauma

Jim rug to the shoe and tug. Now there seems to be a few things I can do to sort out my life. One is studying. I want to go to Manchester and study Creative Writing. It is a big city – I’ve pretended I live there often enough that I now want it to have been the truth at some point.

I’m going to learn to do more of the things I wish I could do. Two things are learning to play guitar and to play the piano. But I also want to take advantage of the fact I have a really good camera – so I’ll be venturing out to take more pictures.

Having given up drink, I’ve the second one in hand. Health. Being more active – I’ve been really, really happy with the way that my body has changed. I’ve lost a lot of the extra weight and managed to tone up pretty well for a skinny white kid. I got into the habit of eating crap for comfort. Now that I’m not alone in the house, I don’t need to do that anymore.

These seem like new years resolutions, but I’m resolute in my desire to be better.

I met a man recently that lives in a remote home in the middle of Wales. He makes his own instruments – violins, fiddles, guitars, mandolins… etc… I stood there in his workshop just looking around at all of the things that he had. Rows and rows of books. The instruments, shining and strapped to the wall. Sun, late and low in the sky, gleaming in the varnish that takes 10 weeks to put on.

There was a layer of dust on all the surfaces, but where it was missing betrayed how he worked. Some objects had been recently moved, so that the shape of them stood out – like the uncovered space a car leaves when your dad leaves for work and its been raining. That differing shade that reveals the previous position of things.

In standing there and looking at it all I started to see time in a slightly different way. That I’m only 23 and this man is almost 50. That he retired at 38 and taught himself all these things. So maybe the two or three years of learning to play guitar to an ok standard might see me well. If I put the effort in who knows. I start seeing time in bundles. Little knots. I get this idea that maybe if I just stop thinking I want everything NOW, right at this second, I might be able to enjoy the process and not just keep my eyes focused on this moment where everything gets better for me without any effort.

It ain’t going to happen unless I make it happen.

Which sounds like a precocious little statement, a cheeky little bit of chatter. However I mean it.

I’m also motivated through a unique understanding of what makes me tick. How my moods shift. I’ve started seeing the signs earlier, so I can switch my focus before it is switched for me.

The major thing that I’ve recognized is that just because I get really really really sad – that doesn’t give me the right to let myself tear off the rails at the first sign of my being happy.

So here I go.

Filed under: Today , camera, desire for change, photography

bad intent

I love being single – the thought came whilst indulging in some Sangria with Lois yesterday. The sun shining, birds singing and then BAM! I decided to stop fighting against my bad nature.

I’m not playing cool – I’m a geek – I’m just playing through every wrong intention I might be able to indulge in.

It’s not about being hip, hurting people or distracting myself.

It’s about being more honest.

I’ve enjoyed myself very much as a singleton recently – but I’ve always felt a little guilty the next day.

I just found myself holding back so much, trying to be this perfect guy that is sweet and caring and gives a crap. I keep thinking that if I spend some time with a girl I have to commit to her.

I think its a maturity thing. I keep thinking that to be grown up you need to meet a girl, sleep with her quickly and then shut yourself away with her to be happy for a year or two and then have it all melt down.

I don’t feel the need to bullshit the world about who I am. I’m just not the guy who wants to do that yet.

I am caring, I am a nice guy – but I also want to flirt and be a nuisance to women! Just for a little while!

I like to drink and have a laugh. I’m a little Nicholas Mitchell. www.sittingbesideme.wordpress.com

Filed under: Cup, Day-to-day, Girls, Reality, about me, bed, hopes, nights out , guy, minx, nice, seeks