Tonight has been one of those nights that acts like a tourist ride around the inside of your mind.
I’ve listened to old songs, drank more, wrote more, drank more, listened to songs performed by a certain someone, drank more – I’m still not drunk!
I can’t get drunk anymore. Something, even after a bottle, prevents my mind from degrading to that state.
I’m two steps back, or so it seems. Except I’m not.
I’m miles ahead of myself generally. I’m only looking behind me and that is a perspective that is ‘hard’ to handle, but not impossible.
I’m looking at old pictures of a happier time. I’ve made my sorry letters and sent them to all the people I am really and truly sorry for hurting. The latest people I have hurt will have to wait until remorse hits me for them. It is tough to admit, but I’m really not all that repentant for the recent events in my life as they have all been wonderful. Or so I feel. I’ve gained a lot from them.
Pointless, I’m existing – breathing etc…
I’m trying to believe that, that is all I need to do – to just exist is enough of an accomplishment. It is.
I’m trying to figure out how past people truly felt – if there was any sincerity there. I’m trying to free myself for caring if they loved me like they said, but I will always be a creature who needs that form of affirmation.
I want to be adored, only right now am I learning that part of that is learning to adore yourself. Understanding that you have a lot to offer these people. Truthful qualities. So there is no need to mislead people into liking you anymore.
I’m a really nice guy, when I get rid of my defenses. When I pull down my ego and just relax I’m actually really sweet and tactile and loving to everyone.
The previous me was a heartless prick because he thought that was the way to stay alive. What I’ve learnt is that is the surest way to ensure your own end. Alone.
Instead, I’m drinking, laughing, joking, kissing, hugging, chatting and engaging with people that seem to see that I’m now just a bundle of honesty.
Sure that backfires, from time to time, you’ll tell someone something they don’t want to hear – but that is all down to the way they ask the question. They are responsible for their own feelings. As long as I keep being truthful, caring, happy. As long as I keep being me. I can ensure that I’m doing the best I can with the things I’ve been given.
Drink isn’t an issue, not if I’m honest. I just have to be truthful enough to admit when I am sad and feel like I need it. If I can say ‘you know what, I’m sad for no good reason’ and then make a cup of tea – then go me!
I’m listening to old songs, I’m not drinking, I’m writing, not drinking, listening to songs performed by a certain someone, adoring them for what they are – expression, poetry, music to sing along to – still not drinking.
I’m not after a medal, just after a little understanding. Just fancy shooting out an appology to all the people who might find this.
I’m sorry I was the old me for so long. I’ve changed. I’m missing elements I never respected or paid much attention to. I’m not coming back, I’m moving forward.
Filed under: Bath, Cup, Depression, Friends, Happy, about me, anxiety, much, music
