My Hour as Art: The calculations of a Soft Machine.

One must always bare in mind the often overlooked power of a single thoughtful person. Though we are often unaware of the impact we can potentially make, we must attempt to prepare ourselves. This thought was brought to me from my recent experience as a plinther. That is, being a lucky participant in One and Other, Antony Gormley’s new art installation.

Being up on the Forth Plinth in Trafalgar Square was one of the most unprepared moments of my life. It was like approaching one of the seven wonders, or the peak of a mountain; there is simply no way of knowing how you will react.

When confronted by such opportunities, a more refined soul might have gone up with a speech prepared. I might have preached, screamed, recited or otherwise constructed some form of sentiment that would have undoubtedly taken the moment away from me. I might well have run for an hour like a robot, speaking words that I’d pawed over for weeks in advance. Not so for the willful creature that I am.

Instead I listened a little too intently to a small voice from within that said ‘you need only ‘be’!’ I decided to go up, no props, no gimmicks – just a lone soft machine, held aloft for an hour.

I would say even now, that was/is enough.

Art itself (for the most part) cannot alter its form to better suit the audience before it. Once it is produced it is cast in that form. The painting cannot gain another few brushstrokes, to add more colour here or focus the eye there, just because the person seeing it would find it easier to understand. It can but assume a lasting posture and only stand by and weather the praise and criticism it receives with equal solemnity.

I went up there to ask the world questions more directly than most art does, to be a mirror that might allow people to see something of themselves whilst speaking a language they themselves spoke in. I went up there to do what art does, not interact with the audience around me, but to get the audience to engage with itself.

The truth is we make art to remind us of what will always remain important. We don’t make it as a target for our insults, or produce it so that it will locked away. We want it to be shown to an audience, to tell a story, to make a point, to request more of ourselves than is polite to ask in person. We use art to crack open the human spirit.

Of course I am referring to art as generalized art, that of the gallery displays (paintings primarily, or perhaps music also, certainly the photograph), rather than the more innovative methods that artists now engage in. I know full well that art does not stick to its definitions, by definition it is endlessly re-educating us of limitless features.

So, I got up on that stone pillar with the idea that I’d more clearly do what art does. So that I might connect more directly with people and get the message across. My mission was to Raise Awareness for Awareness. I wanted people simply to start asking themselves questions.

Back to the experience itself, once up there I lost my words and almost my balance.

We cannot know our qualities until we have been tested to our limit. So all I could comfortably expect of myself was that I would continue to breathe and that my heart would beat (albeit madly).

When I got up there I had no idea that I would lose much of myself to nerves. There is a lot to be said for the written language (and much has been); however, I more admire anyone who can stand to speak and explain their message with clarity. I do not have the ability to speak easily in public, though I do now intend to improve.

In any case I am happy that, with that small sight of my limits, I was inspired.

I’ve come off the plinth with a renewed acknowledgment of myself, but also of the influence and inspiration I have to offer. I met and spoke with many people and the reactions have been incredible.

People do want to talk, people do want to learn why things are the way they are. Even those who initially became hostile in the face of art, grew later (after conversation/explanation) to understand. They too added their own voice and perspective to the endeavor.

I may have been alone, an example of a young man with a lot (perhaps too much) on his mind; but no-one was unworthy of a place there on that plinth and those who asked questions took their place alongside me.

Now uniquely aware of how much impact a single soft machine can make when placed in the right location. My plan is to go on putting myself in challenging places, to do what I think is good and right and just. To ignore the voices that want me down on their level and to use my own to lift others out of the flood of indifference.

I’ve shaken a dozen hands, hugged people who were strangers, dealt with the irrepressible masses and I have come out of the experience; not better, nor worse, but different.

Filed under: Existence, Future, Happy, Lonely, Love, Sad, Strangers, about me, anxiety, art, hopes, influences, other people's lives, solitary , 4th plinth, afternoon, art, desire for change, escape, Happy, idea, interviews, liverpool, one and other, oneandother, photography, quest, sorry, stylized, sustenance, twitter, writing

have a heart? almost.

[the stops are because I can't get the formatting right. sorry.]

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I’m going to answer a couple of questions about my progress this year.

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• Think about what has gone well this year. What are you happy with? What has been successful — & how did it come to fruition? What have your greatest achievements been so far?

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This year has taken me up and down further than any year before it. I’ve evolved so much I’d swear I was in new skin, if it wasn’t the same damn face staring back at me every morning.

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Success is measured in so many ways, but I’d have to say making my emotions level out has been the biggest success. Learning to drink in moderation. Making lasting friendships. Two more things that I’m greatly thankful for.

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Great achievements have been getting published (and paid!) in The Times for my photograph of One and Other in London.

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Surviving a massive breakdown isn’t something I’m going to sell myself short on either. I’ve done a hell of a lot of work toward easing my mind and heart. I’ve been up and down, but I’m flying along at the moment.

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I’ve no stressful job, a roof, a great girl, creative expression out the yin-yang. Photography is great, designing and making clothes and jewellery is wonderfully fun, writing is triple kick-ass. I’ll have a collection knocked out in a couple more months.

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So, yeah. Lots of stuff.

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• Think about what could have been improved upon. Could you have tried harder in a couple of areas? Of the things that didn’t go well, what could you have done to change the outcome of that situation? If you had taken 100% responsibility at the time, do you think things would have played out differently?

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I could have done a lot better at making money. I’ve let quite a few opportunities slip by me. I’m not really sorry that I did, more just that I could have made a bit more cash and had a few more nights on the town with people.

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If I hadn’t been a coward, then perhaps things might have gone better. I wimped out on things because I was being overly careful after a few setbacks.

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• What were your goals at the start of the year? How are they going? Are they 20%, 50% or 100% completed? If they’re not checked off yet, why not? (Don’t be afraid to admit they’re no longer important to you if that’s the case.) If they’re still things you want to make happen, what could you do to speed up your progress? Who could you ask for help? How can you break up the goal into manageable chunks to make it easier to achieve?

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I didn’t make any real commitments at the start of the year. If anything things all changed pretty sharply, so if I’d completed the goals that I had, I wouldn’t even be in Liverpool. So I think rather I’ve adapted well and when my goals flew out from me, I took the opportunity to put a bit of distance between myself and making goals.

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Some things I did decide on quite quickly was to make better friendships and invest myself in people more. Be more honest with myself and others. 100% complete I’d say.

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• When you look at the people around you, what have they achieved that you’d like to do too? How can you make that happen? Can you ask them for assistance or advice?

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I haven’t considered this, but there are a few people I have met which have made a real impression on me and I do intend on emailing them for advice and simply to make myself known to them. Some are local, others are netweb people, but all are fantastic people.

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• How are your finances looking? Are you making as much money as you want? Are you saving any money or just spending it as soon as you get it? Should you ask for a raise, start a savings account, cancel your credit card, stop obsessively trawling eBay… ?!

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My finances are in better shape than they ever have been. I’m usually crippled with debt and spend more than I make. Right now I’ve lowered my bills and have made a few streams of revenue. Plan is to get into seasonal retail to get enough cash to pay back my parents and take a trip to a few places in Europe. Venice and Rome are on the plan. Paris is a place best kept for a romantic escape. Maybe Berlin too. Cheap travel with only a satchel and a few empty journals. Definitely taking my camera too.

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No one is ever making ‘enough’ money. But I’m making enough to keep me comfortable.

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Credit card is cleared off, long ago.

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There is nout wrong with internet shopping!

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• Are you happy with your career? Do you feel stuck? If so, why? How could you alter that? Is it time for something new? How can you improve your situation? Where could you grow? How could you branch out?

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I’m LOVING work. Whatever I earn is from art. Whatever I make is from something that I have made. It’s a wonderful feeling. I’m not stuck at all. I’ve got to do some seasonal work, but there is no stress because I can jack it in after I have the cash saved up to travel. Then when I get back I’ll only have to get some part time work to keep my head up, earning more money from art as I go.

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• What do you do with your spare time? Are you constantly playing catch-up & running errands with no time to relax & just do nothing? Is there a class you want to take? When was the last time you took a holiday? Are you in control of your free time or is someone else?

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Spare time. Well, I have it all to myself now. I’m running about doing things, but having fun doing them.

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After doing my bit around Europe I’m hoping to enroll in University again, but starting again from Year 1. I figure it gives me a year to get into shape and then I can play the last two without pressure.

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Going to study either writing or photography – I haven’t decided which. I figure that photography gives me more earning potential. Writing is still my main talent though. We’ll see what the world offers me as direction.

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Last time I took a holiday was prolly down to Falmouth. Can’t wait to go back. I think I’ll be heading off down there again to see a mate later in the year. Just need to get some cash.

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• How does your body feel? How healthy are you? What are you eating? Do you exercise? Are you drinking or smoking more than you’d like? Do you need a spa day? What positive steps can you take towards a lifestyle you feel happier about?

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Damn, these are loaded questions. Can I just say that people seem to like it? OH!

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Yeah, healthy. I get a good lot of walking done. Sailing keeps me fit enough.

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Not smoking. Not drinking much.

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I totally need a spa day.

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I need to get my bike in action, so I can start racing around this tiny slip of land I call home.

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• Are you getting along with the people around you? How are things between you & your lover? Your workmates? Your kids? Do you ever see your best friend? Do you ever get personal emails?

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Things are great with people. I’m getting on with my friends well. Set to meet more shortly when I start doing the shoots I’ve got arranged.

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My ‘lover’ is fine.

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My workmates are quiet. I’m solo, but it means I have less nights out with the crew.

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Best mate is many miles away.

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I get a personal email pretty much every day, people from my past, people who like my blog, people who hate it, people who want to meet me in Liverpool. I’m in demand.

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• How about you? How do you feel about the person you’re becoming? How’s your personal integrity? What are the attributes you hold in high esteem? Are you embodying them? What can you change? What can you begin accepting?

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I feel i’ve answered this already. I’m 100% wicked, wicked, wicked.

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Personal integrity is at an all time high. Which is as much a surprise to me, I can tell you.

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Truth now is paramount to me. I will not lie.

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Totally embodied.

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I can be bolder, more courageous.

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I can begin accepting every given opportunity.

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• Are you involved in your community? How are you helping the people around you? Do you know your neighbours? What could you do to improve the lives of people in your immediate vicinity?

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More and more involved with the people in this fine and grubby little city.

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I like to feel I’m here if people want to make use of me. I could get more involved helping people (note to self).

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I do know my neighbours, but I want soon to have new ones.

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My new motto for improving lives is :- Give more, take more.

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It improves mine and other people’s lives. Wonderful.

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Filed under: Day-to-day, Depression, Existence, Friends, Future, Happy, Home, Love, Nightingale, Poetry, Reality, Today, about me, hopes, novel, poet, prose, published, undervalued , desire for change, escape, Happy, idea, interviews, Nightingale, photography, prose, sailing

kissing? really?

Mistaken Intentions.

Been a while since i’ve written on here about my misadventures.

Spurred into thought by the recent happenings on Big Brother I was thinking about the whole ‘friend with benefits’ thing. Throughout university I seemed more than capable of keeping said type of relationship alive. However, the main contender for the role of ultimate ‘friend with benefits’ has to go to…

And you thought I’d name her.

No.

It was a good thing and I still count her as a great friend. She never failed to entertain. We’d go on nights out together and have a wicked time necking at the end of the night. It was great. Without it I might have been more unfaithful to the then girlfriend.

God I was a prick back then. Maybe I still am.

Anyway.

The question on the show was can it work. Can the friend’s with benefits thing really work out. Well after knowing the girl for about 3 years, the answer is – yes.

So don’t doubt it.

I still think sex is a handshake.

A trivial meeting of flesh.

So, what do you think? Does it work for you?

Filed under: Drinking, Existence, Friends, Girls, Happy, Love, Reality, Sex, Women, Youth, about me, other people's lives

the ended frenzy…

So script frenzy is over with and I haven’t updated for a while because of that and other reasons.

Many thing have been preying on my mind lately. Mental health being the main one, closely followed by the natural course of life and all things in its wake.

Regardless, much has happened.

Script isn’t ‘finished’ finished – just 100 pages done and the whole idea is ripe in my mind. So I just need to write it out and round it off.

It concerns the exploits of Trip Ryder as he makes his way from trouble and into a new day. He comes out of a relationship with Calista Melia and discovers the more pleasing example of Gravity Hertz. Things are weighed up and Gravity wins out against Volvo Wilco’s argument that Trip should just distract his life away with misogynistic meandering.

After the win of Gravity, Calista returns to win back the only boy she’s been unable to understand. With enigma being the draw, Trip knows he has to play her at that game and dismisses her using her own words – so she can’t read anything more from things.

And that is that, the story in its infancy was nothing like the present day. We’ve more quick wit than a barrel of 20th Century Fox writing monkeys. We’ve got more aching than a dodgy tooth could muster. All encased within the guise of a love story long estranged from the normal formula. Where even mistakes are the order of the day, to lay bare the next step he must take.

The main aim is production.

Tonight – or rather in a few hours – begins the after party of script frenzy. I’m not drinking. Again. I wonder how they will stand the sober me. Things will be okay. Staying out, parents are worried, but standing at ease.

More to follow shortly.

Filed under: Coffee, Competition, Day-to-day, Depression, Drinking, Existence, Friends, Girls, Happy, Home, Love, Women, about me, anxiety, connection, hopes, much, nights out, writing

20mins isn’t enough…

Yesterday was a great day. Starting at 6am when I woke up, after a lovely dream about flying, I got myself groomed and then my mother took me to the church offices.

It was back in 2004 that I last walked in there – when I worked doing transcription and general admin stuff – it was a strange feeling, because the whole place looked the same. Nothing had changed.

Its an old folks home, so there are an array of wrinkly people walking around. There is a massive grand staircase. The place used to be a hospital, before it was converted by the church. Since then its been 35 years or something and they’ve now moved over to the church opposite, so this building is now just a retirement home and a children’s day nursery. Oh, and our offices out back.

I was asked to just trawl the interweb to look for funding options. We’re sorting out an intergenerational project for local people. Two tasks. Find funding for a mobile football cage. Find funding to implement a day caring scheme where young people interact with the old ones to get some connectivity.

Cue the research that says that the break down of the family unit has meant a shift in peoples attitude to age ranges and now we’re sticking with our own age group – rather than getting a more rounded example of humanity – colour me a contradiction. I don’t conform, I love older people.

I got to leave at 2pm, after picking up some more paint for the living room.

Reaching Liverpool I was maybe 10mins waiting for Eagle to arrive, which gave me plenty to whip out my script and have a scribble.

We walked about, got some wool, headed to Waterstones, then on to 3345 (which I adored).

We did some script readings. Some people read (not out-loud though) my script and hopefully they were sincere in their professed love of it.

We read some more. TurtleDove arrived. The write-in began. I just sat and nattered to people, rather than put anything productive in motion. Before long it was time to move on. We left Bluebird to finish her wine and took flight to FACT.

In FACT my mind couldn’t focus on anything but Nightingale. Its really strange how preoccupied I’ve gotten. Smitten is how I’d describe it. I can’t call it more apt than itself. I’m not blinded by obsession. I just really like her and its lovely how honest that emotion is. After a long time having the upper hand in everything its a good feeling to let things play out as she pleases. It smacks against all the advice I’ve ever given.

MEN: – You should hold on to a certain level of dignity.

Well, this isn’t too dignified, its out and out enjoyment of a wonderful feeling. I’m awkward, my mouth goes dry around her, I get nervous. What I mean is… that doesn’t happen usually! I’m in command of myself around people, I can calculate their feelings and fake my feeling to the harmony of it. With Nightingale, we’re in harmony without me reading her.

I’ll try to be a little clearer… I’m not aware that either of us is acting out our feelings, rather than feeling them. So that’s messy, not refined and tidied-up to fit the idea of what romance should be. Its sushi-romance – raw but tasty.

After leaving FACT I thought I’d chance asking her where she was. Out with some people it turned out, but able to steal herself away to see me for 20mins.

For the first 5 I just looked at her in passing and kept trying to work out where she was. I couldn’t read her, I saw no sign that might indicate a feeling. I wanted so badly to grab her and kiss her, but then… courage failed me. ME, the walking ego. ME! I was dry mouthed and timid as a mouse.

I’m not sure I can make it clear enough that this is a great feeling and that I’m not nuts. You will read this and think ‘oh IS, he’s gone all mushy over a girl’ – I’m still me, I’ve got my doubts, reservations, etc.. But this time – I think she’s holding back more than me. Its a reversal of roles. So if it goes wrong – if she turns around and ends things because I’m not what she wants – maybe that is karma working its magic on me.

THEN… In a dramatic moment of ease… she grabbed me! And then I’m certain -holding her close – that she’s in the same place, just as cautious… just as eager to have things go well, rather than badly.

We shared what will be marked as our first kiss. We were both nervous. It was wonderful. I want many, many more of them.

I’m not going to write all the things I was thinking, many of which were filth – others of which might get me the label of ‘softy’. Instead, I’ll say that I had a great 20mins but it wasn’t enough.

The thing is – if 20mins isn’t enough. That in itself is a truth worth paying attention to. If 20mins isn’t enough and I can recognize that, then its got to be more than a passing fancy. With anyone else it’ll be 5mins and I’ll already be thinking about what I could be writing, or doing, or where I could be. When I’m around her, I’m caught in a temporal distortion. There is no way of knowing how long its been and there is no compulsion to check.

So, if I’d like nothing more than to steal her away forever, hole her up in a cave of sheets and talk about poetry (without the frank want and need of libido becoming too loud and ruining a good thing), well – might that prove its worth reaching for? If only to roll with the new experience of infatuation as opposed to careful litigation.

You see, to me, just it being different means its something worth seeing through, whatever happens. After all, this might well be what books and movies have been talking about. We will see.

Filed under: Coffee, Drinking, Existence, Friends, Future, Girls, Happy, Love, Nightingale, Poetry, Sex, Women, about me, anxiety, connection, hopes, job, news, nights out, office, work , Bluebird, close, eagle, karma, kiss, magic, Nightingale, relationship, TurtleDove, wonderful, writing

explanation and exasperation…

Now there’s an offer I can refuse. Although you’re clearly a child, women aren’t toys, and that’s your total loss as I’m the best entertainment you could ever have. And I wouldn’t go to that shite-hole, even if you paid for the ticket (as any gentlemen would have done). The natives are lowering and bestial and the TV signal arrives by second-class mail. ~ resolutiongirl

With this comment its time for a bit of honesty.

I don’t think women are toys. Not in the sense resolutiongirl thinks that I do. I am quite crass sometimes, but that’s because this is a blog and I enjoy being a little brutal at times because it makes me feel less weak and prone to emotional heartache. This really would be a crappy blog if I was all sullen 100% of the time.

I’m not out to hurt people, bring women down a peg, or start any games… i just want to keep moving, keep active and keep distracted.

I’m only 23 I don’t have the answers, so perhaps I’ve still got lessons to learn, how else am I going to learn them without growing up and experiencing what people have to show me.

I want to find a few woman that I really connect with and adore. There is no harm as long as I am upfront and honest with them, as long as I say where I am at every step of the way. If they get the wrong idea, then ‘they’ got the wrong idea. I’ve not lied to anyone recently. All I want is to keep connecting with people until I meet someone that I can love.

I’m not going to sit on my hands and get all lonely waiting for the next great women to drop into my lap. What if the next one is only a week away, I’d sooner get out there and find her than get myself all upset and lonely.

The world seems a little unwise to the fact that life is for enjoying – that I’m not really hurting anyone. This is a blog for private thoughts – yes, I’ve treated women badly in the past but I’ve learned from it – but I’ve also been very lovely to women, which will come out more in the coming months as I compile my past into something more literate.

I don’t see the sense in beating myself up for a past that I can’t go back and alter. I’m getting on.

So resolutiongirl, I’m sorry to hear you don’t want to come and see me – despite the knuckle-draggers there are quite a few lovely people up here. More than I was expecting to meet when I first learnt that I had to come back here.

Do try to find a little hope in my future posts for the race known as Male. We will get better, or at least I will.

Filed under: Girls, Lonely, Love, Sex, Women, about me, anxiety , apology, feminism, reply, sorry

some people never learn lessons, other lessons aren’t worth learning…

I’ve learnt lesson in life recently. Bluebird, Robin and AIG have all given me a lot of advice. That I can’t beat myself up for being me and that I just have to get over myself and get on with things. I can’t make things better for the people in my past, I just have to move forward and stop lying and cheating people out of knowing me. Also, there is nothing wrong with getting over love by being a young man and getting solace from women. In fact, AIG gave me a song by Nada Surf recently that helped a lot. It has some great great advice in it.

Three important rules for breaking up

Don’t put off breaking up when you know you want to

Prolonging the situation only makes it worse

Tell him honestly, simply, kindly, but firmly

Don’t make a big production

Don’t make up an elaborate story

This will help you avoid a big tear jerking scene

If you wanna date other people say so

Be prepared for the boy to feel hurt and rejected

Of course the same goes for a flip of gender. I failed badly when my last relationship ended, instead of getting smart and getting it over and done with back in October, I struggled on getting more and more unhappy. More and more annoyed with her for not being lovable enough. Which is stupid because it really was my failing not Her’s.

I kept up the pretense of love so that I didn’t lose a friend. But, in the end, she didn’t want to help me and wasn’t that good a friend. She didn’t stay in contact, she was too self-involved, which doesn’t help when I am too. We always were very similar – she wont talk to people if they don’t make the effort to talk to her often and neither do I – I just give up on them.

So hopefully she’ll understand that and not hate me. Maybe she will understand that being apart is better this way because we wont annoy each other. I can get on with my fun and not have her all upset that I’m not getting ‘better’ by her standards. I’ve got a lot of respect for the kid, I’m more angry at myself for not having balls to be a real man about things. For confusing myself into a mess. I wont make that mistake again.

Throughout the relationship I just couldn’t shake the feeling that we might grow to understand each other better with time. Not annoy each other quite so much. Even tried to make her see how I thought, the process, so she could understand. Didn’t work. I hoped that she might mean a lot to me one day… but I didn’t ever let myself ‘fall in love’ her. Being too scared of getting hurt. What you don’t realize is that you hurt yourself anyway, because no one is close enough to lift you up when you are sad.

I prolonged things, I made a big song and dance number and I told elaborate stories – I lied and cheated and I’m sorry I did, because it made me feel rotten at the end. I wasted time when what I could have done is ended it long ago and maybe salvaged something from it. We could have been friends and I could have stayed in Bath. I have no real regrets, as if I did then I would be disrespecting those new connections I have made. Instead I have come to terms with it and moved on.

So this time I’m just rolling with that side of me. That I have a problem letting people get close, I put up barriers and now I wont.

I know that I can’t feel all-loving at the moment… I can have great respect for people, treat them well, care for them – but romantic love is beyond me, for the moment.

AIG has said that I shouldn’t betray myself the opportunity to find someone wonderful by shutting myself away and pining – instead I should dress up smart, get out there and take a stab at finding someone to love.

So that is what I’m doing. Not setting out to hurt, but not sparing people at the expense of my own happiness either.

Filed under: Drinking, Existence, Food, Friends, Girls, Home, Love, Reality, Sex, Strangers, Women, about me, accusation, much, news, nights out, other people's lives

The most heartless man to ever own a pulse…

Consider the weekend dust being bitten. And so, another one shows her lack of understanding. Another deems me the villain in my own story.

I had a good weekend and then the whole thing is destroyed when the girl gets all emotional. Bloody women. Oh well.

Seriously these pills, my god, these pills make everything ok. I can think about things, but it is like there is a filter that is removing the emotional significance of it all. Right now I should be deeply hurt that a woman I shared a lot of myself with determines to hurt me by calling me a ‘user’. I mean, that’s the catch-phrase of the moment. Ex-friends, Ex-lovers… ex-cetera… all of them calling me a ‘monster’. And what for, I hear you cry?

For telling the god-damned unabashed truth.

For saying, ‘you know what, this isn’t working.’ Or ‘I never loved you, so I’m going to start hitting the field.’ Or ‘I’m going to start drinking again, because you made me out of be an alcoholic when really I was just unhappy.’

All these wonderfully monstrous confessions. How I can say… ‘i enjoy sex.’ And that is read as, ‘i used you for sex.’

The thing I’m learning is that people feel too much, too little and too late in the reverse order. They don’t realize their own objectives. This latest one took a last ditch effort to change me into a man who could love her. FAIL. It’s temporarily beyond me.

The only thing that the text gave me… because I know you’ll read this… is a distinct dislike for you. You learnt me well enough to say something hurtful to me… you don’t care for me if you treat me like this, so I’m not going to waste my time on you. Goodbye. Great life.

Onwards and outwards. Another thing that the weekend has afforded me is a closure on my sexual-escapades… or for now, anyhow… I’m tired out at the thought of randomly shagging my way around Liverpool… so now my objective is to stick it out as single and just do some fun dating. No sex, just relax, take things slowly and stop saying no to feelings.

I think slowly is the key. If I keep things nice and arm’s length for the time being then it will at least stir me into the right type of thinking, without hurting anyone in the process.

Except god knows every woman I have ever been out with has always fallen for me inside a week and is confessing their love not long after. Its a symptom of being too irresistible. Don’t protest… I joke, I jest, I play the fool.

Today I started reading Miller again to perk up what little chauvinistic skill remained intact. I read about his life and the ‘rosy crucifixion’ portion of his existence – where he moved away from everything he knew to begin again. Much like myself. Actually there is quite a lot of parallels to see when it comes to his prose. Certainly his life speaks a direct epiphany.

Regardless this is just one more reason I should be grateful for being free. At least I haven’t gotten myself in too deep. Gotten used to loving anyone or anything like that. That would be tragic, the old Jensen might well have taken to some model he managed to discuss marxism with. Or taken the number from a girl only to call her the wrong name down the phone. Or similarly fallen into the trap of some honey with a mind of mush and a great body, one that he couldn’t help but wish to be with because of their ‘connection’ and then, not long later, finds she’s dating another guy too. Spreading the odds. As well as her legs.

I’ve done nothing I can really be upset about. Instead I’ve held it together pretty well and… if I don’t have any more undue surprises… I think I’ll be well on the way to a happy day with some beaming broad one day soon.

See, the more time that passes without me needing to apologize, the less I have to be sorry for.

No man in a sorry-state can be happy, nor can he attract someone to share an evening with… in any true format of proclivity.

Filed under: Drinking, Existence, Friends, Future, Girls, Happy, Home, Lonely, Love, Lucy, Melissa, Nikki, Sad, Sarah, Sex, Steve, Strangers, about me, accusation, hopes, lissa, much, solitary , heartless, jen jen, pulse, sorry

old flames

So back after my VERY VERY bad Easter Weekend…

I was talking to a friend yesterday about the limitations one has to accept when it comes to writing characters. It isn’t that you can’t flesh them out, make them believable… etc… but rather that there will always be a face missing, some small part that wont be expressed because it would take more than a thousand novels to encompass the human being. We’re multi-faceted in the extreme.

I’ve come to the same conclusion when it comes to blogging – that there are people who know me (or think they do), and people who don’t, that will read this blog and think that it a condensed version of me. Somehow the subject matter, or the manner in which I present things, justifies their views. Puts context to their compartmental vision of me.

This carpel-tunnel world of blogging, invariably then, has its risks. What if a woman comes on here in a year’s time? What if I like said woman and she deems my outpourings to be abhorrent and vile and therefore concludes that I am unworthy of her… all these ‘what if’s will be the death of me, but lets just say that I’m right. Do I care? Yes. Can I do anything? No.

Bring it on home that whole idea of people liking me for me – if said woman came here and didn’t understand my motivations then I’ll be damned if she’s right for me – just like the last.

So this idea of me coming across as something short of myself got me thinking about everything really. As much as I’ve put things to bed.. So to speak.. I do have to say that certain elements of my character are coming together to show me as anything but an honest, caring and kind man. Not least to everyone, but mostly to myself. See, I’m such a self-deceiving creature. But you knew that.

Anyway – so getting on with life… this whole breaking away from the loss of Bath and life down there. Its taken me off facebook and taken away my one mode of constant communication with the world back there behind me. It’s a good thing too, because the old lovers were already starting to feel brazen! Old flames leaving suggestive messages on my wall, the odd filthy reply to an unassuming statement. Laura might just have put two and two together to work out when and where and with whom. So I’m glad that is all behind me. Now I can move on to new pastures with a clean slate. Chalking line after line on that board above me. Remembering.

I intend to start my education of myself by starting with history. I’ve opened up various memories and I’m taking a good look at what makes me. I have nostalgia abound. Zounds man, I might even have unleashed a realization or two.

I know that what I had in Bath was a best friend and various distractions. Not to play them down, we got closer toward the end (hence the sadness at parting) but since then I’ve more than replaced them and feel in a better place than I ever did. Lying in the sun this morning saw that I understood what was important. It was the second moment I’ve truly felt content in the here and now of here.

The funny thing is that the people I have met in the last 2 months have been better friends to me than anyone else I have ever met. They know me better too. I could have one person here in Liverpool take on a team of every person I have known for the past 4 years in Bath and they’d win a quiz on me hands down. (Save for Dom of course, who remains the only man I’ve ever confided truth in.) I’ve opened my heart to some of the loveliest people imaginable and all they’ve done is pay in kind. So I have to admit, scary as it sounds, I was wrong. (Gosh, didn’t that make you tingle inside??) I was wrong to hate my home so much. Wronger still, to think that the world ended when my little false life in Bath hit the fan.

But more, much more than this… I feel like I’ve gotten better. I’m not second guessing the old relationships like I used to. I used to lie in bed with Laura beside me and listen to songs that took me back to other women I’d known. Back to Jenny the Stalker and my inability to love her. Back to Patty and my inability to love her. Back to every woman I’d ever known and my inability to love them. But always the same feeling of regret and the need to retrace those steps. The feeling that there is a girl beside me that is beautiful, but I feel more for these old flames than I do for her. This is what brought me to wanting to leave her back in October, what had me almost there so many times. Before the idea of moving to Cardiff gave me the stupid idea that a change of scene might bring a change of heart.

I’ve known a lot of really beautiful women in my life and I treated them all, at the time, as though they were a piece in my puzzle – rather than a light to work under. They were short-term soul-mates, some of whom became habits that I stuck with until it became too difficult to keep going. One or two I got with, out of a deluded idea that I could be happy with them in time… given time I was soon proven wrong.

And that’s it for this blog post… more to follow, beg and borrow. I mean… tomorrow…

Filed under: Dom, Existence, Friends, Girls, Jenny, Love, Sex, Women, Youth, about me, hopes, much, novel, other people's lives, writing

backwards is sometimes forward in disguise

So ‘near’ is now far behind

and ‘far’ is now cheek-to-cheek with me.

What have I learnt?

Much more than just three things, I can assure you.

My last blog, about the lessons I’d learned from reading my old posts back to myself, was rather depressing. I’ve been reading more, with different contact lenses in.

I’ve learnt the same lesson I’ve just been emailed about by a new friend. I learnt it well enough, but never admitted it to myself.

That we are alone.

That, even though we feel it deeply, we shouldn’t search for answers in other people.

It’s the worst lesson I’ve ever had to learn. The most heartbreaking, because I always thought I’d find a little something somewhere. It’s also one of those lessons I never really want to accept.

I’ve done a little too-much ‘looking for people like me’ in my time. Too much desperate searching. Too much leg-spliting for atomic secrets. Though I can’t help it.

On a less explicit note, but the same field of battle… there is a little bit more honesty coming through.

That I was in a relationship with someone who was a friend. Someone I loved as a friend. Someone I now mourn as a lost friend.

In union with someone who never understood me. A person that kept me comfortable enough, but who couldn’t know me well enough to keep up with me. Who lost sight of what she liked about me – my boundless energy. Someone who gave up on me being happy. Someone who prompted me to give up on myself.

I’d had a week (before we parted) of intense sadness and that drove me to drink. As my sadness has done many times before. I don’t have a drink problem – drink is a solution. Drink is only a symptom of the underlying problem. It is something I use when I am very, very unhappy – every other occasion it is social and bubbling. So why wasn’t that hint enough?

You live with someone and they don’t seem to notice (care) that you are becoming increasingly distraught?

That’s what I mean – I’m not selling her short when I admit that she had no understanding of me as a person. Perhaps once she did/could sympathize – but as soon as it impacted upon her life I got relegated to a place behind compassion.

She’s off discovering someone else.

(Funny that I know her better than she knows herself.)

So now I’ve had to move miles away from a home that I adored, friends that I loved and a world that I’d uniquely shaped myself for. Stream-lined for the currents that swept me along.

She was beautiful, talented and funny, but she wasn’t right for me. What I am looking for is hidden away. I’m far too effected by my condition, held in the coils of my depression, to have any stupid ideas about relationships and sole-mates.

So I need to get back to being honest with myself. When I was with her I wasn’t myself. I couldn’t be nearly as joyful as I wanted, because she wasn’t joyful at the same time. She cut me short.

She expected me to be sad along with her. If I wasn’t then I was uncaring. I guess because I didn’t feel the same at the same time then I was the incompatible one.

She was selfish, but she’d always say I was. I would never disagree, because its why we ended things. We didn’t like each other, as much as we liked ourselves. Or maybe she’d really just had enough of caring for me? Or maybe we’d both just had enough? Maybe – the reason still isn’t clear to me. All I know is that we sat in bed and came to the same conclusion. Except – read my blog from all those months ago – I’d already made it long before.

So…

I’m not nearly as fucked-up as my ex would have people think. (Because its easier to have a crazy ex-boyfriend – than admit that I’m some sweet, but troubled, boy she gradually fell-out-of-love with)

I know full-well that when I’m sad I drink and there have been many, many times when I have been sad and haven’t touched a drop. It is my choice what I do. Sometimes we don’t need to save ourselves straight away. It is my decision if I drink myself stupid – it’s a juvenile thing to do, it’s denial, but it’s my choice.

It is also my choice who I see, when I see them, what I do with them… which is a novelty.

It’s my choice what I do with my life and that is the really daunting thing.

Because deep-down the thing that I’ve learned from my blogs is that I haven’t learned what I wanted to. I’ve learned other lessons, but not the one I really need right now.

I haven’t learned what I should be doing with my life!

That’s AGAIN another question I can only answer for myself.

Filed under: Lonely, Love, Sad, Sex, about me, hopes, much